Storylines- Grace Mcvicker

I was rebelling. Growing up, and into teenage years, I like to think that I enjoyed life. I liked going on family holidays, until that became uncool. I liked that we were a family unit. I liked that we always had people in our house every Sunday. I liked spending time with friends and family etc. There was so much about growing up that was fun and carefree. I never once questioned God’s goodness and faithfulness. I knew about Jesus from a young age. We went to church every Sunday (twice) and my parents faithfully taught us the Bible and the good news of salvation in Christ. Would I say I was privileged? Yes. Would I say that because of all that, I was a Christian? No.

This ‘carefree’ life soon dramatically changed and the separation of my parents completely knocked all that I thought was secure. From that point in my mind, God was no longer good. He was no longer faithful. He was no longer loving. How could He, a loving God, let so much hurt and pain come to my family? What had we ever done to Him to deserve this? I had many questions and eventually stopped going to church. In every way possible, I made life a misery for my family and in total rebellion and anger, lashed out at my mum, sister, church family and especially my dad, who I didn't talk to for about a year. My deeper heart issue was wanting to punish God: outwardly and actively doing everything I could to hurt Him- my Maker and my Father. I was totally obnoxious and sinned in ways that are almost impossible to forget. Life was truly grim and underneath all my so-called confidence and self-reliance I was totally hurting and letting bitterness and unforgiveness fester.

But God was planning something very different and knew all along the choices I would make to displease Him. The Bible says that "while we were still sinners Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8) God provided a way for me, out of my rebellion, guilt, shame, lies, anger, hurt and unforgiveness. In actual fact, God was never far from me, even in the darkest moments when everything I thought, did or say hurt Him and sinned against Him.

One night I had a desire to go to church, miraculous for those who knew what I was like! We were singing There is a Day that speaks about the Day when Jesus will come back and those who are His forgiven children will go to be with Him, forever. That truth rang so deep within me that I could do nothing but surrender completely to Him. A deeper truth, convicting me, was knowing that nothing I could do or say would ever take my guilt and shame away before a completely loving, just and holy God. That was the wonderful thing about that night. God put His loving arms around me and accepted me because of what Christ had already done on the cross.

Even as I write these words, that moment when God called me out of the horrible self-centred dark life I was living to live a life for Him, amazes me. I know my sin and I know that if anyone else knew my sin, I would be rejected, judged and looked on as filth. God saw me differently though. God saw me through Jesus’ work on the cross. God saw me through the nails that held His only Son on the cross to die. God saw me through the finished work of the cross that covers all my sin and gives me hope. The Bible says that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23) and the only One able to take God's just punishment for my sin and to bring me into an eternal and perfect relationship with Him, is His Son-Jesus Christ. We sing a song at church called Remain and it's probably one of my favourites because it reminds me that when everything fades, God remains. He is faithful. He is forgiving. He is patient. He is mighty to save.

And now, my life has radically changed. Not because I try to be a better person in order to be saved. Not because I am better than anyone else. The opposite in fact. God has shown me my greatest need. Knowing, really knowing, who God is, has shown me how great a sinner I actually am and how amazing and loving and faithful God is. I actually can't put into the words the grace God has shown me. He has given me something that I do not deserve. And He did it because He loved me. Before, I really didn't live as if I had a hope. Things and stuff and unhealthy relationships defined who I was but they were all empty. Nothing really satisfied, even if I pretended that I was the happiest person alive, I knew in my heart that my life was not going in the direction it was meant to.

Until God brought me to a place where I realised that, I was a total fool. I still struggle with sin. It, along with so much other suffering in the world, affects me daily. My identity as a Christian does not make me better than anyone else but it does give me a reason to live every day. It gives me hope when everywhere I, and you, look there is suffering. God has a good purpose in all things, not only after death but right now, today. It is the greatest thing to be able to say that "I am a sinner saved by grace". When all else fades, God remains.